Moony's Monthly
by JenniferR.Song
Summary: Someone lets slip at Hogwarts that Remus has a monthly condition. The results are hilarious. Read at your own risk! OOC Remus! Oneshot!


This is what happens when you get stuck on one story. Your brain decides to go off on a completely different side track. This is the result. I do have to warn you though: this story makes quite a few allusions to the female's time of the month, but nothing in depth. So if you're queasy at the very mention of that subject, leave now. That said, enjoy.

**Summery**: Someone lets slip at Hogwarts that Remus has a monthly condition. The results are hilarious. Read at your own risk! Oneshot!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own _Harry Potter_ or any of its characters, so there's nothing to sue me with if you don't like this story.

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"I don't know, Prongs," said Remus nervously, running his hands through his thin hair. "What if you get caught?"

"Well, then," said James, a twinkle in his eye, "we'll just have Peter transform and scare them away. Rats are guaranteed to keep anyone away."

Currently, the four Marauders of Hogwarts, who were in their fifth year, were trying to figure out how to sneak out with Remus so that they could help him with his "furry little problem," as James liked to call it. The library was apparently barren, so the Marauders felt safe. That and it was the only place they could corner Remus.

"I'll be a good doggie," promised Sirius, trying his puppy dog eyes.

Remus sighed. "All right, but you can't do this every time my…monthly comes around."

James burst out laughing. "You are aware that's a feminine term, right, Moony?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well…" James looked around uncomfortably and leaned over to whisper the definition into Remus's ear.

"Ew!" said Remus, making a face.

Unfortunately, someone, or more to be specific, a third-year Hufflepuff girl happened to be hiding behind a row of books. Bertha Jorkins crept out from behind the shelves after the boys left a few minutes later and grinned to herself. _This would make a very interesting piece of gossip_.

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The morning after the full moon, Remus wandered into the Great Hall, yawning. He heard whispers all around him as he sat down. He shrugged and started helping himself to the scrambled eggs. He heard a few girls tittering beside him and practically glared in their direction. Last night hadn't been as rough as usual, but the transformation was still tiring in itself. James, Sirius, and Peter plopped themselves down a few minutes later and began inhaling the food.

"Is it true?" said a little voice behind Remus. He turned to face a red-faced second-year Ravenclaw. "Are you really…?" The little girl ran off, apparently too embarrassed to finish.

Remus stared at the other Marauders, who could only shrug in response. He leaned in to whisper to them. "You don't think someone caught us outside last night, do you?"

"Whatever it is, mate," whispered Sirius, "it seems to have reached the Professors."

Remus turned to look and sure enough, the professors, save two, were muttering among themselves. Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore looked at the boys and Remus suddenly excused himself from the boys to head up to the Head Table. Along with the two professors, he ducked behind the heavy curtains behind the Head Table.

Once they were out of sight out the rest of the school, Dumbledore looked over the tops of his half-moon glasses at Remus.

"Sir, what's going on?" asked Remus.

"What happened, Mr. Lupin, was that, from what I can determine, someone has let loose that you have a monthly condition."

Remus's face paled. If the students knew he was a werewolf, it would be the end of his Hogwarts education.

"However," inserted Professor McGonagall, "they were incorrectly informed about the kind of 'monthly' you have."

Remember the discussion from the previous day, Remus said, "So, what, you're saying that people are thinking I'm a girl? With girl-related issues?"

"Exactly," said Dumbledore.

Remus burst out laughing. "I can solve that little problem."

"Mr. Lupin!" called Professor McGonagall, but Remus had already left.

Remus stood at the front of the Great Hall. "Can I have your attention, please?" The entire Great Hall instantly quieted as they gave Remus their undivided attention. "I have noticed whispers about me being floated about that I'm not a boy, but a girl. These stem from the fact that I was having a _private_, or so I thought, conversation, with my friends about my monthly _visits_ to my mother." He looked at the amazed crowd. "I can assure you that I have all the…parts of a guy and do not have a gender issue. Thanks."

Drained, Remus made his way over to the Gryffindor table and slid into his spot again.

"That was a great speech," said Peter.

Sirius barked with laughter. "Yeah, I'll say."

Remus grinned wearily. "I think we'll need to come with another code word for our excursions."

"I know!" said James. "How about 'phases'?"

Remus groaned. "Shut up, James."

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Well, now that I've gotten _that_ little piece of work out of my mind, I can concentrate on my other stories a bit better. R&R people, I've got the curiosity of a cat. I'm still wondering how I'm alive actually. Hm. See y'all in the reviews.


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